make my shirley temple strong, please.: sup

1. I am feeling better. Kiley and I have been watching TV for hours so I can postpone studying for finals. We are now watching the "he's just not that into you" sex and the city episode, do you know that this started to ruin my life? I mean do you remember when I read that book? Jackson would say to me "I cannot talk to you after you've been reading that book" I read it from cover to cover in a bath and then dating became extra difficult because I knew all the tricks. craziness!!

2. earlier we watched an episode of King of the Hill, that is how much I want to learn about FDR. I watched two FDR documentaries in two days. Mr.Truman is next

3. lindsay (new partner in crime), gregg, kiley &myself ventured to the Bust Craftacular today. I purchased a gorgeous bag, a gorgeous sweater, four pieces of art, body lotion &perfume, two light switch covers-- i havent taken photos yet but I will later when things are up. I also got to meet Susanne from FreeDanger for the first time which was awesome as I have never met her in person and I wrote an essay for her magazine about amputees &orgasms. I also purchased lovely, lovely products (pictured below) that I then lost or left on the train. I am sooo sad about that but other than that it felt great buying products right from the artists and I really, really want to start doing this more often. Seriousllllly

4. Going away pot luck holiday party at my tiny brooklyn apartment tuesday night. aweeeee. bbs.

5. Okay, to everyone that is been asking me I get to Florida this Thursday (the 18th) early in the morning. Bailey Jo Leiter will be picking me up from the airport. and thennnn I want to go see Cameron, and Tim also and maybe sit around awkwardly and feel nostalgic or even sad? And Christmas Eve I am going to have people over to my parents house for dinner party. I will be free all the time!!! If you don't have my New York number contact me via internets and I will provide you with it or get in touch with you when I am in town. I will answer all 727 calls also, I promise. Even ex-boyfriends. Bring it guys. We're cleaning out the closets. I promise, promise not to go into recluse mode and be social for the extent of time I am there which most likely be through New Years as I do not like New Years or New Years parties or the ball dropping. I do like the New Year but I kind of want to watch TV with my mom. Unless you're having a party Joshua Greenberg? I would like you to have a party! Two weeks after New Years day (and one month from today) I will turn 24. twenty-fourrrrrr. I want my birthday party to be Terminator themed

6. About Terminators, I am really into terminators. Despite the fact that I get Terminator 2 confused with Kindergarten Cop, tell me everything you know about terminatros &sky net &all of that!!! I need answers. I also want to join one of those online role playing sites where I can be a terminator. I also am not joking. And isnt it easy to confuse Terminator 2 and Kindergarten Cop? You know because Arnold protecting all the little boys? Kindergarten is th best. Dun da dun

7. Do you want to hear about man folk? I have so much to say. Well I will start with Jackson Davis. Thanksgiving we had a huge, huge fight like an insane hour long fight where I swore I would not talk to him again. We had one of those dramatic "am I allowed to e-mail you?" "what if there is an emergency?" type endings with me bawling and Jackson telling me everything will be fine. I don't know if Jackson really thinks everything will be fine and I don't know what I think either. But we have talked since then, not much but a little back and forth. Which is not a clean break, which is not "this is the last time"

It's just like, what do you do? You know when you know this person who you have loved and who has helped you grow intellectually, and emotionally and changed your taste in music and opened you to literature and got you to write when you felt like you were dead? What do you do with that? No one has inspired me like Jackson has to put pen to paper or look at the world in a certain way, but no one has made me cry half helpless for that long either. It's just gotten to the point where I take it as an insult, or it hurts my feelings, and I get upset and Jackson says he is sick of walking on egg shells and then I say "egg shells what do you know about egg shells?" and it goes on and then it's like God, is this worth it for anyone? When anything can turn into a war? I don't know the answer to that. I wouldn't take back any of it for a minute but man, it's hard sometimes. It is really hard. Loving people is hard and right now I don't really love anyone and it's easier this way. Why is it easier not to love anyone? To feel like you are floating away from people through space and time and history. This all feels like time travel done wrong or backwards or like we didn't try hard enough. It feels like loops of metal and all the wrong pieces of paper and it feels like I shouldnt make this dramatic, but my God, my whole life, I've just always loved everybody. I've loved you if I've met you, I have always loved everyone so intensely since I was a very little girl and now I don't feel like I love anyone, and I really don't. There is fog between people and I. There is space between humans and myself and where the love used to be there is kind of a memory of that or of what love was like or what people feel like, but the love and the realness and the wholeness and the aching and the adoring, well, it's just gone. I don't feel that anymore. I kind of feel blank like you do at a funeral, after you've delivered a eulogy. Like you should be crying more than you are or what happens to people when they die, or can I believe in heaven now? Or can you hear me even though you are dead? Or why is anyone looking at my face? Why is anyone looking at my face ?

In the less dramatic level I have crushes on dudes. An older dude, a younger dude and a dude who is a stranger. Everyone has soft hair. I want to stick my hands in everyone's hair and my fingers into people's mouths. I would really like to stick my finger in your mouth and move it around.

8. I need there to be a marathon of 17 Kids and Counting. My abstinence only television needs are increasing

9. I am learning the whole Beyonce "Single Ladies" dance &then I am going to perform it for all of you. I need 2 back up singers because I get to be Beyonce. If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it oooh ohhhh ohhh woahhh ohhh ohhhh ohhh o o o

10. &now I will go study. you know how I get, internet.