&it's the devil Iove &it's funny as real love

Baby, you have to calm down. It's not like we ever meet each other, it's not like this is one of those kinds of stories. You cant hold onto me in the mornings like this, I have to roll out of bed and read my horoscope, I Have to brush my teeth. I have to look at you like I never saw you before, no sir, not one day in my life. How did you get here? What are you trying to prove?

You put on "November" by Azure Ray because you think I like this song.

"I don't like this song, Ashley likes this song."
"No, I am pretty sure you like this song, Daniela"
"well I don't, it sounds like she is singing underwater. You can't do this to me."
"What can I do?"

All of them, just a series of faces. I will put them in a museum, so baby can come see them all lined up. Your face, yours too. We never met.

It's funny, I call Ilana, I ask "isnt this funny?" She is the only one who knows. I know you think I tell everyone everything but even if all of you sat down and shelled it out together (you never would, you swore with blood) you'd have maybe half a story.


"it's not even November anymore."


I ask questions like:

"how long is two hours?"
"what is the day of your birth?"
"do you think i'm kidding?"


Nick calls drunk, it's early here, but probably be earlier there. Nick thinks I don't know his birthday, but I do. I don't answer the phone because even before I listen to the voice mail, I know he's drunk. I know what happens when you love someone and you are drinking. You want to yell out thinks because you feel like they can't understand you.

Once when I was younger, maybe 18 or 19, maybe I was even 20, Nick slammed his Sony Playstation or Xbox or whatever it was against the wall until it broke. He did this because he felt I didn't understand something about the movie "Fight Club" which was playing from whatever device would be smashed against the wall. And I am seeing, on a twin bed, in a college apartment, that I do understand, that all boys have made me watch this with them since it came out.

I've watched all of this on the floor. Ashley asks when I will start calling them "men" instead of "dudes" or "boys" and Ashley Konrad, an evolved human being, a genius and goddess encrusted in white skin and blond hair, she knows the answer to this. I talk to her while eating a block of cheese on my kitchen corner

we decide that the answer is notebooks.

Yes, notebooks. We lost all of our favorite men when we stopped writing in notebooks. I will buy a twelve pack of spirals for a back to school sale, we will keep them in the glove compartment.

When the cops stop us (they always do) when they ask for: license, registration, what we are doing, why are we smiling like that.

I will rip out pages upon pages with my fingers, Ashley will be simultaneously smoking a Newport 100 from a box &spitting out her gum, I'll be bending over.

We tell all the police officers in FLorida, in Ohio, in Washington D.C that we are looking for man, or God or Law. We find none, we've never met.

I hand them all ripped out pages about Steve.

I open my eyes wide, in December, and I say "Let me tell you the story about the first time I knew I was going to die in a car."